Writing to your younger self is an act of self-healing
The power of visibility is great and varied. One of my favourite aspects of this power lies in its capacity to heal.
Many old, emotional wounds can be healed by bringing them into the light and making them visible. The process is simple; we bring to the surface our psyche from an earlier time in our lives (our ‘younger self’) and give it the space to feel seen and heard.
If you felt actively disliked as a child, or you really wanted to be liked more, or if you were bullied, or told you were too much, or too quiet, or not acceptable in some way, this week’s invitation is simple; write a letter to a younger version of you.
Below is a letter I wrote to myself to acknowledge the pain of being bullied as a young girl. I wanted to acknowledge the trauma and the impact it had on my experience of feeling likeable. I also wanted to draw out the helpful lessons. To remind myself of the multiple facets of any experience.
You might write a letter in this form or in any form that feels right to you. Alternatively, you might draw a picture, or write a song, or poem.
The key is to allow that wounded part of you to feel seen and heard.
In many ways, choosing a life more visible is a decision to reveal yourself to others and be vulnerable with them. It’s important not to re-traumatise yourself as you do that. Writing to your younger self helps you to say yes to visibility in a way that opens the door to healing and harmony, rather than stress and anxiety.
Dear younger self,
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. This is older you. I’m a version of you that’s on the other side of the hell you’re experiencing right now.
I’m writing because I have a few thoughts to share.
It feels scary to be visible right now, I know. There’s a saying you’re going to learn later in life; This too will pass. When they’re being particularly hurtful to you, you might want to repeat that line to yourself quietly in your head. Be invisible when you need to, so you can protect yourself, but hold tight to the potential for expansion in the future.
When you get the chance, go and watch ducks swimming in the lake. Notice how they shake their wings after they’ve had a fight. Try it out at home. Every day when you get home from school, put on some music and shake that stress out of your system.
Laugh when you can. Watch as many funny movies as Mum and Dad will allow. Even if this feels impossible right now, the whole ‘fake it until you make it’ philosophy really works with laughter. It’s a contagious feeling which means that fake laughs can often turn into real laughs in a short period of time. Laughter will also help with that continual stress headache you have. You’ll benefit from the dopamine, oxytocin and endorphins that laughter produces. It’ll counteract the excessive amounts of cortisol running through your system and that’s a very good thing.
You feel like you have no voice because in some places you really don’t at the moment. Look for avenues for self-expression that are available to you — journalling, art, singing, dancing — and try not to shut down completely. That goes for both your words and your emotions. Crying is a normal way to respond to being bullied. Feeling angry is normal. Confusion is normal. What’s happening to you IS unjust. And, as you shut down some of your emotions to protect yourself from further ridicule, find ways to express your emotions and process your thoughts in private, safe spaces.
It feels like you’re all alone right now. It feels embarrassing to be the one they’re targeting. But trust me, you’re not alone. Thousands of kids are going through something similar right now, somewhere in the world. You belong to a community of survivors. You just don’t know it yet.
The pain they’re inflicting on you is not about anything you did wrong, it doesn’t reflect some innate ‘un-likeability’ in you. This is about them. It’s about the pain they’re experiencing that they aren’t yet equipped to process. When you remember this, it will help you access compassion and the whole thing will feel a lot less personal. That will be helpful.
When you’re an adult you’ll confront one of the girls about their behaviour and they’ll defend their actions with, ‘But I was just a kid, I didn’t want them to turn on me.’ Later in life, you’ll learn about ‘acts of omission’ and ‘bystander behaviour’. You’ll know that acts of commission are just as harmful as the act of commission; that standing by and allowing harm to occur is just as harmful — and sometimes feels more harmful — than the overt act of aggression. (You’ll remember this lesson your whole life and will always step up to defend people against bullies. I really love that about you.) For now, just know that the friends who aren’t sticking up for you are teaching you something about themselves. They’re teaching you that they’re cowardly people. This won’t change as they age. When this is all over, find new friends. Braver friends.
You can ask for help. You don’t have to go through this alone (even if it feels like that most of the time). Start with one person and stay on the lookout for allies. People see what’s happening but aren’t sure what to do about it. Tell them what you need and keep mentioning it until someone takes action.
Find a safe and powerful place within you. This exists within all humans. When you’re surrounded by threatening behaviour, connect to that safe and powerful part of you, even as other parts of you are struggling. This habit will help you throughout your life. It will help you make good decisions when life gets tough.
Resilience is a skill we learn through experience. Every day that you get out of bed, put on that uniform, and walk to school, even though you know what’s coming, you’re building resilience. Eventually, you’ll become one of the most resilient people you know and the choices you’re making right now to keep facing up to hard things is a huge part of that.
Keep going. I’m so proud of you.
Life is long. Hold on. Better things are coming.
With all the love in my heart,
Your older self x
And that, my friends, brings our investigation of likeability to a close.
Before we dive into a new visibility-related topic, let’s recap what we covered in March.
WEEK 1 We began with the question; What does likeability have to do with being seen and heard? We explored the Likeability Dilemma and the gendered nature of likeability. Our paid subscribers started the month by receiving their visibility guide for March so they could see in advance, what was being delivered and when.
WEEK 2 We moved onto what I’ve coined the Likeability Toll. In that article, I discussed the sheer amount of energy required to stay in misaligned places and circumstances, to please others. Our paid subscribers received their first visibility tool for the month; a visibility practice called Taking Off The Likeability Cloak.
WEEK 3 Then, to round out our investigation of likeability-related phenomena, I wrote about the Likeability Paradox. This is another phrase I’ve coined and is the only genuinely useful strategy I’ve adopted for overcoming the Likeability Dilemma and Toll. Our paid subscribers received their visibility Immersion Guide for March on the excellent essay by Jennifer Palmieri, Misogyny in Politics: ‘There’s just something about her’.
WEEK 4 Then, last week we explored visibility journalling where I posed five questions including; ‘If I gave up on likeability, what would I say that I’m not currently saying?’ Our paid subscribers received their final tool for the month focused on seeing and clearing out the double standards that keep us tied up in knots.
WEEK 5 And that brings us to today and to our letter to our younger self.
You might notice that by theming each month, ‘A Life Made Visible’ consciously holds us in a place of exploring one idea at a time, in detail. That’s deliberate. In creating this newsletter, I wanted you to have a curated experience. A conscious investigation that builds from week to week, deepening your understanding of how the topic impacts your visibility experience. In other words, I wanted it to be less a collection of random subjects and more of a gentle curriculum to follow along with.
I take this further with our paid subscribers where the bonus tools turn the experience into something akin to a short course. Across the globe, we have so much information at our fingertips. I didn’t want the paid experience to be more content for content’s sake. Instead, I’m creating an experience for people who want to take regular small visibility-related steps. It’s a place to access a series of tools that deepen your investigation of each theme and pave the way for easeful visibility in your business, life, and within yourself.
If that could benefit you, jump over here to view the paid subscription options.
Until next week,
Samantha